Monster Be Gone

When I was a kid, I was afraid of monsters. I knew that they were under my bed and in my closet. I just KNEW it. No matter what my mother and father said, I just KNEW it. One night at bedtime, before turning my lights off, my father pulled out a spray can from behind his back and handed it to me.

"What’s this?" I asked.

"Monster Be Gone," he said. "A few sprays under your bed and in the closets, and you won’t have to worry about the monsters any more."

"No way," I said. 

"Yeah," he said.

Sure enough, a big white label wrapped around the can said MONSTER BE GONE.

What a relief! My father finally believed there were monsters in my room, AND he had the tool to defeat them.

We sprayed under the bed. We sprayed in the closets. We sprayed my room every night. 

And there were no more monsters.

A few years later, when I was 8 years old or so, my grandmother was in her basement cleaning. I went down to help her, but she was already done. She was spraying a can of Lysol around the room with a final flourish.

I took in a big whiff.

"Huh," I said. "That smells exactly like Monster Be Gone."

And then it clicked.

My dad is clearly the greatest dad on earth.


This guy digs up some seriously spooky Boston history.

This guy digs up some seriously spooky Boston history.


I often forget she’s hanging in my living room.

I often forget she’s hanging in my living room.


Tomb of Brain Ooze cover proof approval!!!

Tomb of Brain Ooze cover proof approval!!!


200 followers on Twitter. My lip quivers with happiness. Now, multiply, bunnies, multiply!!! (FOLLOW ME @therealmdpayne)

200 followers on Twitter. My lip quivers with happiness. Now, multiply, bunnies, multiply!!! (FOLLOW ME @therealmdpayne)


THIS is why I love The Munsters.

THIS is why I love The Munsters.

(Source: myundertaking)

7,275 notes


Failed Titles for Book 5 (Tomb of Brain Ooze)

Brain Burger Buffet

Brain Munchers!

Braindrops!

Mental Mummy Meat

Pharaoh’s Food For Thought

Curse of Brain Goo

Mummy Mind Munchers

Master Mind Munch

Cranium Crunch

Book of the Brain Dead

Brain Kebabs


Middle-schooler Chris from Monster Juice vs. middle-schooler me. Hmmm…

Middle-schooler Chris from Monster Juice vs. middle-schooler me. Hmmm…


What? Is there something in my eye?

What? Is there something in my eye?